This was a conversation I was having online and it summed it perfectly.
Sometimes our heads think things, or thoughts pop in, or better described, feelings, or images. We can't control that. I bet I could name something every single day that has made me ashamed to have thought. Whether it is instantaneous or years later. What matters is what you do. You're not going to follow through and wish them the worst every single day, or sabatoge them or go out of your way.
Case in point, I will admit that within the last week I have contemplated many things anybody who knows me would be aghast at. Luckily I have a therapist who I can be honest with and say, 'I've had these thoughts and they bother me and sometimes scare me.' My most irrational thought and feeling that has occurred and reoccurred to me; my step sister in law (my dad's stepDIL, my stepmom's DIL) is now pg with her 3rd pregnancy, due in DECEMBER.
And you don't know how angry that makes me at them.
At the world. But especially at THEM.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A XMAS BABY. ME. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE ARRIVING VICTORIOUSLY, HOME FOR CHRISTMAS WITH MY NEW BABY. I'M SO ANGRY AND HURT. This past Christmas no one once mentioned Myles when I was with them. It was the elephant the room and I felt contagious. Luckily I was still in shock at the time, but in hindsight, I can believe nobody just said, 'he Trish, I'm so sorry that happened to you'. I've had a lot of friends do it and be wonderful, but my son is dead less than a month and his name wasn't mentioned in that hous.
I don't wish them ill will, I've actually liked them, they're fun to talk to. That's the kicker, THEY ARE PERFECT and my Dad likes them better than me sometimes I think because I'm some liberal atheist. And they're like such conformists.
So what thought keeps running through my head? THEY STOLE MY BABY! That's how I feel, when I told my sistder that day, I just broke down and said, "they stole my baby" in sobs. And I'm sure they didn't do it on purpose, go out of there planning a December baby, and I'm sure they weren't thinking, they should stop ttc in March/April so they don't ruin every Xmas for me from here on out. I dread next Christmas with all my heart.
I'm so angry about this, even now, right this second, even though I know it's completely irrational. All I think is 'they stole my baby'.