Thursday, May 22, 2008

Irrational thoughts and deep anger.

This was a conversation I was having online and it summed it perfectly.
Sometimes our heads think things, or thoughts pop in, or better described, feelings, or images. We can't control that. I bet I could name something every single day that has made me ashamed to have thought. Whether it is instantaneous or years later. What matters is what you do. You're not going to follow through and wish them the worst every single day, or sabatoge them or go out of your way.

Case in point, I will admit that within the last week I have contemplated many things anybody who knows me would be aghast at. Luckily I have a therapist who I can be honest with and say, 'I've had these thoughts and they bother me and sometimes scare me.' My most irrational thought and feeling that has occurred and reoccurred to me; my step sister in law (my dad's stepDIL, my stepmom's DIL) is now pg with her 3rd pregnancy, due in DECEMBER.
And you don't know how angry that makes me at them.
At the world. But especially at THEM.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A XMAS BABY. ME. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE ARRIVING VICTORIOUSLY, HOME FOR CHRISTMAS WITH MY NEW BABY. I'M SO ANGRY AND HURT. This past Christmas no one once mentioned Myles when I was with them. It was the elephant the room and I felt contagious. Luckily I was still in shock at the time, but in hindsight, I can believe nobody just said, 'he Trish, I'm so sorry that happened to you'. I've had a lot of friends do it and be wonderful, but my son is dead less than a month and his name wasn't mentioned in that hous.
I don't wish them ill will, I've actually liked them, they're fun to talk to. That's the kicker, THEY ARE PERFECT and my Dad likes them better than me sometimes I think because I'm some liberal atheist. And they're like such conformists.
So what thought keeps running through my head? THEY STOLE MY BABY! That's how I feel, when I told my sistder that day, I just broke down and said, "they stole my baby" in sobs. And I'm sure they didn't do it on purpose, go out of there planning a December baby, and I'm sure they weren't thinking, they should stop ttc in March/April so they don't ruin every Xmas for me from here on out. I dread next Christmas with all my heart.
I'm so angry about this, even now, right this second, even though I know it's completely irrational. All I think is 'they stole my baby'.


c. said...

We've lost so much, it's hard not to feel things that we would not have had we not been confronted with such pain and loss. Yes. We are irrational. Yes. We have every right to be angry. I find my greatest irrationalities are with people I don't feel reacted well to my loss, who didn't acknowledge it or whatever. They are the ones that my worst thoughts are directed toward. I feel like an awful person. An awful person with a deadbaby. It's all so very hard, this grief work shit.

Ya Chun said...

It seems irrational, but it is part of this journey.
I hope that since you have acknowledge the feeling, it will start to fade. Reason will come forward again.
I;m sorry they didn't acknowledge your baby the way they could have. I have experienced many similar things. There was a brief time it was spoken of within my family. I know that this has passed.

Reese said...

What is rational anymore? I dare anyone to come up with a definition that pertains to the insanity we have endured.

We feel irrational for our feelings, then we feel guilty. Damn deadbaby mantra.

Why can't this shit be easy?

Julia said...

It's normal. It's not fair, maybe, but neither is having your baby die. And neither is it for grown people to make like he wasn't there, and only a month out, and right when he was due. I am mad at them for you. However perfect they are. NOT.

Karen said...

Goddamn anger. You know its been almost 8 months for me and the anger is only coming out now. I have taken to writing and writing and writing and BOY the feelings that have come out- OUT OF NOWHERE! PURE rage at my boyfriend for many things. I never knew that. PURE JEALOUSY horrible things. Really not who i am but yet I have faced these feelings and Im hoping they begin to loosen their grip on me. Heres something we all know: Grief work is shit. And HARD.

anarchist mom said...

Writing does that. I'm a ferocious writer. I can't keep up with my thoughts (I type 80 wpm) and half the time they've just be elucidated for the first time. Insight into myself, fucking weird.