Wednesday, August 13, 2008

How I fell apart

I'm trying to figure out why I had a 'nervous breakdown'. All I know is I hate the terms crazy and insane now, especially now that I realize I tell Simone she's 'driving me crazy'. My dad and I came up with the new term blonders (kind of like bonkers, but with a small dig at the blondies out there).

We had Simone's 5th birthday up there in the Psych ward; it was actually kind of special. Everyone had cake and ice cream and sang to her, and my honey took her to red lobster for supper afterwards (she is a shrimpaholic, not breaded shrimp either). Anyway, knowing that I might not make her b-day, or party, it was so much harder to admit myself, but I am now convinced I gave her the best gift I could give at the time.

So what does a nervous breakdown look like? I don't know. Ask B. All I know is how it felt, and that whatever it was, it was definitely a negative energy just radiating off of me; racing thoughts, the inability to stop crying, sleep, eat. Impulsvity is through the roof. Um. I think it's like watching a house you've built yourself crumble before your eyes.

So when 'your house' falls down like that, there is no logic. No thinking. Nothing is rational anymore. I realize now I had a panic attack Tuesday night and was deeply depressed by Wednesday morning. I was a danger to myself, I felt unable to care for Simone.

I wish I could describe it better. It's like taking the butterflies that are in your stomach, and turning up the volume from 1 to 100, instantly. Fight or flight, I'm not sure which one I did, but they are both the same response really. Whether you're running away or getting ready to duke it out, your heart and mind is racing miles a minute. Then you realize you have no idea where the predator is, I think because really the predator is you. There is no running away except maybe in death, which is extremely tempting. I'd like to think I chose to fight it out and I won. I think, though, that I won the battle, but am I still at war? Yes. To deny it is to go back to complacency.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Psychiatric Ward

I'm back from the Affective Disorders unit at the hospital (the Psych ward). The grief finally caught up with me I've been there since Wednesday and got discharged about an hour ago. I wish I could say I'm feeling better, but I just found out my cousin died. His mom is such a special lady, his kids are such beautiful kids, my heart is in pain for them. He was a wonderful father and son, please keep my family in NY in your thoughts.
Because I have a mental illness, I will write about my experiences, because of the stigma, I will write about my experiences, I feel it weighing on me. So, I will write, like I always do, my friends, and because you're my friends, you'll listen I hope.

I want to survive, I will survive. It's just soooooo hard when you feel so down about yourself that you think you're doing other's a favor. That's how backwards your thinking can get. It's scary having thoughts you can't control, it's the most frightening thing I've experienced. It really is mental illness, I can't describe it (but has that ever stopped me from trying? smile:).