Saturday, February 28, 2009

cautiously happy

As deep and dark as my last two posts have been, it makes me wonder if perhaps I'm posting today to maintain some sense of balance on my blog. As perplexed as I am, and as much time I have put into pondering these facts of my life, these things that have forced themself onto my life and now are part of my very definition, for some reason, I'm just not that 'upset' about it all.

I don't think my lack of unrest or torment is a feeling specific to the horrible events I'm finally grappling with. No. Overall, I'm just not that upset about much anymore. I'm not upset about my broken marriage; even broken things can still 'work' at some level. I'm not upset at the haters. When I say they can go fuck themselves, its with an air of indifference. I'm not upset about my move, it is what it is, some good some bad.

I guess what I want to let everyone in blogland know is that I'm doing 'good'. Not the, 'my life is perfect good', the REAL good. The 'good' with the bad.

And for the first time in my life I'm feeling some congruence. I don't put on a happy front for many (unless i am in fact 'happy' at that moment), I don't pretend that everything is okay, I don't try to appear perfect, or act like wonder woman, or wonder grad, or wonder mom, or wonder wife.

And it's such a motherfucking relief.

So, I'm (oh my god it's so hard to say this right now) happy. Cautiously happy. And I think I haven't been this comfortable with me (and all my faults and all my mistakes) since perhaps when I was a child? I don't know!? Maybe I've discovered a new plane of being?

So, I hope some of you out there in blogland have found the same thing or will someday soon. Cyber cheers to all, here is hopeing for a moment of true peace and happiness for each of us!


Julia said...

This is so good to read. I think we all at some point say that we want to be happy again, and at some point (the same point or different-- doesn't much matter) we realize that the new happy will probably look different than the old happy. And then we decide that it's ok, and that the new happy is good, whatever warts it comes with.
I am glad you are happy. And I am glad you are finding your feet, and your voice, and your center. A hearty "woot, woot!" from the cheering section.

Ya Chun said...

I am in the same sorta place. Happy in the traditional sense is not exactly the right word... but whatever it is, it's there.

Cara said...

Wow!Just jaw dropping wow when I read this post. I'm so happy for you. Finding that place is not something you ever just happens.


Anonymous said...

I like this Trish. It's comfortable, hopeful without seeing through rose coloured glasses. I like being in this space too. Our kind of happy is truly a rich one, never unappreciated, no matter how small the sliver of sunlight may be. It makes me smile to know peace, even in small or different doses than "normal" This post made my day. :)

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