Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Awful nightmare

Not about Myles. My mom is 55, and has had more than her fair share of health problems. Well she went into urgent care for being dizzy, and I'm sick, and I went to bed at 830. The last thing Simone and I did was call her and we figured she was coming home soon, doctors said as soon as her heartrate came down.

Well, I just had the most horrible dream that she died. Just awful. And I had to tell my daughter, who adores her grandma Cyn, and it was more heartbreaking than words can describe. I just woke up sobbing, its 344am, and I don't think I'm going back to sleep. Just went and checked her bed. (okay, i was going to go cry to her and tell her how much I love her) but she wasn't there. Docs must have kept her in over night to watch her :(

I know she's going to be fine, but in my dream, all the things about her grandchildren's life she was gonna miss flashed through my head. It was excruciating thinking she would never see any of it. So, no one to console me, here I am.

I love my mom so much, and living with her, it seems like shes been driving me crazy. But none of that lame stuff matters that much in the grand scheme, and I'm feeling like an unappreciative heel.

I thought losing Myles had taught me something about life and death, and now I'm feeling like I learned nothing at all. That the next time life takes its inevitable course, I will be just as unprepared as anyone. And I know loss and grief, they have been my partners for so long. But something tells me that when it happens again, it will be like meeting them anew, and dealing with this human condition all over again.

For the first time, I wish I could call my brother (whom I haven't spoken to since around Christmas. I'm still angry with him, I just need someone to talk to.


Bill Wonch said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
anarchist mom said...

duh, i live here.

charmedgirl said...

there was a moment with a co-worker about 4 months ago that snapped me out of a bad place. she always talked about how her son almost died in a car accident at 16 and how her niece (who lived with her) was diagnosed with and died of leukemia a few months after the accident. that was her horror. i, of course, shared my horror, my dead baby. MONTHS had gone by, and one day she told me her first TWO sons were stillborn. that was not her horrror anymore, because something that was worse for her emotionally had happened. in that moment i realized that, not that my grieving time is *wasted* time, but i need to appreciate the fact that i can't go from one horrible thing to the next. it's all fucking relative. and while that's goddamned TERRIFYING, it's also a little freeing.

and nightmares suck ass in HELL.

yourbiggestfan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ya Chun said...

how's your mom?

I've thought about that 2nd to last paragraph some since first reading this. Maybe because the pain one feel's over someone's death is as unique as the feelings one has towards that individual, it is a new experience each time. And I guess the occurrences become cumulative. I am thinking this way because I just posted about my grandmother (you are tagged in this post), and how so many of the people whom she has known in her long life have died, including her third child. It's churning in my mind...

caitsmom said...

I've included you in the Sisterhood Awards. I don't know who started it, but I thought of you because your posts make me think. I don't always agree, but I'm a big fan of thinking! You can get the image off my blog at http://afifthseason.blogspot.com/2009/04/sisterhood-award.html

Here are the rules:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

Inanna said...

My father died of a stroke 6 weeks before my baby was born still. His last wish was that he could stay to see my son born. Two days before we lost William's heartbeat, someone on one of my "Mommy" Internet boards revealed that their baby had been born still. I looked at all the death around me and realized - suffering doesn't end. Lightning DOES strike twice in the same place. Just because something bad happens to us once, doesn't mean something bad isn't going to happen tomorrow, or the next minute.

And yeah. It SUCKS. :(

anarchist mom said...

My mom is fine, and doing well. They think it was a reaction to a medication. Thank you all.