Thursday, October 15, 2009

Still here . . .

Yep. Still alive. Doing well. Was without internet for about a month so that was not a bad hiatus. Can't say the fally doesn't hit me hard. Partially why I'm here again. I decided some time ago this was my grief blog, and with my divorce and move and new life (even dating) it's not that I don't grieve but it's harder to write about. I'm afraid. I think about that story about grief in a jar, and how you store it and then suddenly, the jar falls off the shelf and you're covered in grief and nobody understands.

So I'm a little covered in grief at the moment. Naturally I find myself back here. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I've got a candle lit for Myles now. This Fall I've found myself more raw than I've felt for awhile. It's been tough. I've got a new job, soon I'll have a new home, everything has changed. It's happy and sad and fuck; i'm ambivalent old me.

I've been trying to take it easy as the raw grief has resurfaced. I don't want to let my old bad self take over again. I want to be wiser, understand my limits, worry less about disappointing people than I worry about myself and my maintaing. I've learned that this life isabout knowing your own limits, and keeping the gentle people and distancing from the hurtful people.

Bah. So here I am. And as I've eluded. I'm thinking a blog less about greif and more about my other tribulations needs to happen. So. When it does, I'll let you know. If you have followed my grief blog I'd love for you to join me on the other side on a blog less about grief and more about my life as I find it today. When the time comes you can email me and I'll let you know. I've been longing for that anonymous venue for some time. Today I know I need it.

Remembering our children today and this Fall and just always and forever . . .

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey, just wanted to say I think of you every now and then, and pop over here to check out how you are. Good to see you post again. Sounds like a lot of changes going on, good luck with everything.

Lisa in Austin from MTers

miislasola said...

oh trish. I've been on a blog hiatus myself lately, and reading this post reaffirms how much I've missed yours. This SO completely speaks to how I feel. Grief in a jar, bottled safely away while we go on with our 'normal' lives, until we're covered in it, and no one understands or knows what to say. Enter isolation, bitterness, anger, envy, resentment and so on...Thank you for this, I am feeling moved by your post, and inspired to do as you suggest, and write more in my own blog, on grief, and on 'life' itself. I've missed you. :) I hope you're well my friend.
xoxo Steph.