Sunday, April 20, 2008

I am literally beating myself up.

I've had a lot of self loathing issues, just no reason to care any more. You go from this place in pg where you are all about health and peace, vitamins, and minerals, and I was on bedrest for so long. And I do get resentful at the end of pg's, just so much self-sacrifice. I'm a selfish person, I feel like an ungrateful person. I feel so much guilt over that resentment and loss of autonomy at the end but I was waiting for my savior, my Myles, to rescue me. He was the light at the end of such a long tunnel.

And so now, I've mentioned I've gone from health nut to a depressed, anxious, PTSD, burgeoning alcoholic. The other night I got drunk (DD was sleeping but DH who doesn't drink so witnessed it all). I fell at some point (okay DH says on more than one occassion) and I woke up with bruises all over and of course, deep in the pit, not just over myles but with the shame and embarrassment that accompanies abusing alcohol. I'm 27 for godsake, I know better.

Today I was so mad at myself when I realized I missed my dearest friends b-day on Thursday (her 10th b-day, this sweet girl who is like my daughter who moved to NV two and a half years ago to my families heartache). I was just so freaking mad that my mind can't remember the simplest freaking things anymore. So, out of complete disgust with myself I just threw on some clothes and went outside and did yard work. And it was frantic, non-stop two hours, pulling up these perennials I hate (mud up to my wrists), cutting down these prickly bushes I've always hated, removing this huge branch from this ice storm from a winter storm, now I'm covered not just in bruises but in scratches (stupid me, I was wearing shorts and a tank top).

And in the background, and why I started this post, I haven't shared too much but I didn't get my period for 18 weeks (after I lost Myles). I was SO excited to get AF after 18 weeks. I waited and waited and we tested and tested (HSG's, genetic, hormonal, etc. looking at laproscopy) and I finally got it and here I am midcycle and I'M SPOTTING.

I have never spotted between periods, never had implantation spotting from two (pg's l/c DD, and DS Myles). Never, in 14 years of normal AF, half those years (seven) I was not on any contraception (either I was not sexually active) or my DH and I used natural family planning for the four years between Simone and Myles, and now I'm spotting? Seriously, maybe I don't have the most 'regular' periods (ranging between 29-31 days, so it's not always clockwork) but I know when I ovulate dammit. And here I am, day 15 thru 18 of my cycle and I've spotted EVERY DAY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?


I just want to be pg so bad. No, let me rephrase that. I just want a BABY, sooo bad. The pg I could go without. Just a sweet warm baby to nurse, and hold sleeping on my chest, and to see smile, and teeth, and yes night awakenings, and stress, I WANT IT ALL. and I know I have to deal with all of my 'issues' which I am with professionals, but come on!

And when I go out and try to do the old stress relieving things (GARDENING), they send me into panic attacks. 6 weeks after I lost Myles I went to the gym, and after 45 minutes I left there, shaking, and angry, and with Myles all over my brain. And here I am, finally cleaned up from backbreaking labor in the yard, sobbing about another MISSters dog, and I'm shaking, and frantic looking up everything there is about spotting.

I'm sorry this is such a long rant. I JUST WANT A BABY SO BAD. SO BAD. I LOVE BABIES SO MUCH. But I know I'm in no shape (mentally or physically) and it hurts. But at least, AT LEAST, my body could go back to normal so that I know that when we're ready, WE CAN TTC. This uncertainty is driving me bonkers.


Anonymous said...

I wish I could say something to you to make it better and to take away all the pain. I am so so sorry for the loss of your baby. I wish I had the right words but I don't. I just had to say that I am so sorry. I have no idea what I would do but drinking would be high on the list. It's an escape, and I believe that is all I would want to do. Again, I am so so sorry.

c. said...

I spotted mid-cycle last cycle. Somehow, I ended up pg and holy shit, I had hope again. It lasted only 4 days. Chemical pregnancy. Totally, fucking SUCKS!

I hope things get back to normal with your cycle. I really do believe that getting pregnant again (I hate being pregnant) and having a live, breathing baby holds the key to us getting some semblance of hope again in our lives. I want a baby so badly, just as you do, and I curse the fact that we have to jump through so many hoops to even get there.

Hoping your cycle gets back to "normal" again so that you can start to TTC again. There is some relief in just getting to that point, I can tell you. I know the desperation and the intense desire and all of it. It fucking sucks. Absolutely. Email me if you want to talk, kay?