Monday, April 14, 2008

Where am I?

I know, I haven't rambled for awhile. Always take that as a good sign. No news is good news, so I'm usually doing my job and working on research which I now feel very rejuvenated about. To be honest, I don't know where I'm going, and I can't explain where I'be been the last few weeks. I am happy to report that my health looks good, no more worries as I alluded to my last significant blog. It's a big load off my shoulders. but also brings more questions. So as everything in this world it brings assurances but more uncertainties.

Simone is growing up, and she loves it, while I"m tepid. I am excited for her and try not to feel too unahppy with her growing up and her recent advancements. She can now make her own food (cereal, popcorn, yogurt, choc. milk), she's so indepedent. It seems like yesterday she was this tiny toddler.It makes me sad in a way, but proud too.

I've had so much on my mind lately I forget what's happening around me. I'm baffled by the fact it's April. Anytime it occurrs to me, I'm like 'wtf?'. Is it even 2008?! where have I been?' Also, I have to admit that part of the reason I'm MIA is I"m back work, researching, writing papers, my initiative and ambition is back, so I'm usuallly tired of writing by the end of the day (and tend to vent by drinking and listening to music on my ipod while being happy housewife). The good news is I'll have two articles under review hopefully before the first of May, something I am very excited about. And I"ll continue be extremely busy as this last year, not only do I have to defend my dissertation proposal (basically the first 3 chapters) and I've got a full time assistantship for this summer and next year, whch is very exciting despite the fact I''ll miss summer teaching. Consdiering my mood over the last 6 months, being excited is a very good thing, and I'm glad to have at least the sense of enjoyment back.

Anyway, I'm here, I'm sometimes in the pit, and sometimes catch a breath or two and can hope for some distant happier future. It all depends on the day, and I just go with flow these days, sadly turning to alcohol more and more and relying anti-anxiety and anti-depresssant meds to my chagrin. At the moment, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for a future where I'll have the confidence and courage I wish I had now. Time is what I need.

So, anyway, if you don't hear from me, no news is good news. But please email or call me anytime, anyone who wants to share their grief with me is giving me a special gift, I love nothing more than recognizing and loving the dream of my son. My friends and family have been priceless to me over the last several months, and I'd be in a much wosre state without them. I am always grateful to share or talk about our shared grief, so don't hesitate.
Thank you all for the overwhelming support.

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