Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I hate doctors

I do. I will be one next year. But I'll be a research doctor, I'm the one who comes up with the statistics everyone else is SUPPOSED to go by. Of course, nothing in a doctors office is hardly ever evidence based, and you better bet if its a drug you're receiving from your OB/GYN it has not been FDA approved for pregnant women. Basically, me and you are the guinea pigs. And they wonder, hmmmmm, why is maternal mortality rising. What causes 50% of stillbirth and 50% of SIDS births a year. Some magic freaking charm?!!!!!!

So help me, if I ever go through pregnancy again, I am not telling anyone, I'm getting a doppler and I'm just going with the flow. Because all these mofo doctors base everything off of is the trend (pharmaceuticals, hitech machines that don't tell you shit) and NOT WOMEN.

Okay, I''ll give more detail about this rant, but I've bawled for two days now, and I just want to know why. Why did I know there was something wrong? Why do these tests keep coming up borderline? Why, why, why? There are no answers, even to why I have a 42 day menstrual cycle with spotting when half my goddamn life I'd have periods like fucking clockwork.

Do they really want me to believe that everything (and oh, could I make a list) that EVERYTHING is unrelated. Fucking bullshit. And don't tell me, 'chances are', because that was my whole last pregnancy, me telling myself, 'chances, everything is fine, I'm overreacting'. Well guess what? I wasn't. I knew. And I didn't know how or what or why or even imagine I'd ever lose my baby. But I knew there was something wrong. And I'll be damned if I don't pay attention to what I believe are warning signs now.
I just hate being pooh, poohed. Talk to me like a fucking colleague because I do research in the development and reproductive health. Don't fucking listen to me like I'm 'hysterical' (as in hysterectomy, as in emotional, as in angry) because I want to theorize about what might be going on based on the in depth calendar I have of my menses.
Fucking bastard. Sorry. Didn't realize how pissed I was until just this moment.

1 comment:

Julia said...

You know, I have a doppler. But last week when I woke up looking smaller than the night before and feeling less movement, you better believe I wanted more reassurance than the doppler can provide. One ultrasound later it was clear what happened-- the baby turned head up face in, so looking smaller and feeling less.
What I am trying to say is that of course to each her own, but IMHO it's not the technology, it's who is using it. My doctor and people working with him are thoughtful, knowledgeable, and compassionate. We discuss new research articles that just came out, and statistics, but also how am I feeling and what I need to make it through. I know I am very very lucky.