Monday, July 21, 2008

I can be surrounded by people, and I just feel so alone. So utterly desperately alone. I feel abandoned by my husband, he just doesn't get it. 8 months on Thursday, jeez, when is the 24th? It's like my subconscious knows it, but the rest of me is on pause while the world moves on around me.

I get 'better' I get 'worse' I get really 'better' then I get really 'worse'. I just want to disappear. Why do I feel so alienated around my old family and friends? I think they're plotting against me. They don't like my drinking, blah, blah, blah, they worry because I've lost a lot of weight. I don't know what to say? I'm not hungry. Food does not bring me joy.

My self worth is shattered. My body killed my baby, somehow, someway, and someday I'll know. Well, it's either drink and sleep at 10 or be up til 3, and I prefer to take some ibuprofen and handle the hangover, then miss sleep, wake up late for work (which I eerily don't get hangovers anyway) and I haven't had any blackouts, I'm maintaining.

Oh, fuck me, I'm just defeated, and the thoughtless comments have only just begun. My mom is putting pressure on me to be 'stronger', everyone wants the 'old Trish', my dad asked me if I was going to have another baby. They STILL don'te get that I will never the be the good ole predictable, debatin', grinning, thriving woman I once was. That's not me, they don't get it. My husband says he doesn't know me anymore, and I'm like, "join the club". Hell, I'd like to be let in cause I don't know what I'm going to do half the time; how I'm going to react.

Oh, this has turned into the nightmare blog of the century. On a happy note, I axed down a cedar today for my Myles garden (sorry Leigh, I do want to comment but sometimes I can't) and it just brought out so much anger. Has anyone here used an axe, they're fantastic, but where gloves. Of course, now I've got this tree to move but that didn't occur to me as I cussed at it and pulled on it, and tore that sucker to the ground. But darn it, my butterfly bushes and snowball bush weren't getting enough sun!

On an angry note, there was another burial in baby land today, I just drive up knowing, saying 'no, no, no, not another' seeing the awning, getting angry as I get closer, so mad it has happened again. Just so mad, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have that 15 foot cedar to chop down.

Okay, I am losing. Don't know if it's just life (my laptop died, my transmission went out, my cell phone got lost) and I DO feel like Dory off of 'finding Nemo'. I hate the new me as much as my family, don't know how much I loved the 'old me' even then. So I'm just like everyone else, except I get to worry about being worried about, yipee.

I feel so alone, but surrounded by TOO many people who love me TOO much.
MISSing my son TERRIBLY, today, and always. I love you, Myles.


Reese said...

Thinking of you. Wishing we all could find our 'old' selves again, even for a moment.


Ya Chun said...

I recently sent an email to those who had sent sympathy correspondence saying that i was sorry I hadn't emailed back yet (giving them an opening hat it is ok to email me again) and that we were trying to find an even keel and that we are forever changed. I just state it. We are changed. If they don't like it, too bad.
Would anyone really want to be my friend if the death of my baby had not changed me?
That's the way I think of it. They might forget, but I think most people are still careful.
Sorry that you are in the pits. I do hope that you are taking care of your physical self and you mental well-being.

Julia said...

I divide people around us into selfish chickenshits, who egotistically want us to be all better to accommodate their cozy little lives, and real friends who abide by us because that's what friends do. I am sorry there seem to be so many chickenshits around you these days.

I also drank some days last year. There were days I needed it, a lot. I trust that you know where the line is, where it's the thing you need to make it through the day vs. where it becomes a compunction, the thing you can't function without.

anarchist mom said...

compunction, nice word, Julia. The question is, why the hell are they NOW becoming such chickenshits?! Thank you, ladies, you make me feel less alone.

Karin said...

I echo what ya chun said, would anyone really want to be my friend if the death of my baby had not changed me. EXACTLY.

Thinking of you so much.