Wednesday, August 13, 2008

How I fell apart

I'm trying to figure out why I had a 'nervous breakdown'. All I know is I hate the terms crazy and insane now, especially now that I realize I tell Simone she's 'driving me crazy'. My dad and I came up with the new term blonders (kind of like bonkers, but with a small dig at the blondies out there).

We had Simone's 5th birthday up there in the Psych ward; it was actually kind of special. Everyone had cake and ice cream and sang to her, and my honey took her to red lobster for supper afterwards (she is a shrimpaholic, not breaded shrimp either). Anyway, knowing that I might not make her b-day, or party, it was so much harder to admit myself, but I am now convinced I gave her the best gift I could give at the time.

So what does a nervous breakdown look like? I don't know. Ask B. All I know is how it felt, and that whatever it was, it was definitely a negative energy just radiating off of me; racing thoughts, the inability to stop crying, sleep, eat. Impulsvity is through the roof. Um. I think it's like watching a house you've built yourself crumble before your eyes.

So when 'your house' falls down like that, there is no logic. No thinking. Nothing is rational anymore. I realize now I had a panic attack Tuesday night and was deeply depressed by Wednesday morning. I was a danger to myself, I felt unable to care for Simone.

I wish I could describe it better. It's like taking the butterflies that are in your stomach, and turning up the volume from 1 to 100, instantly. Fight or flight, I'm not sure which one I did, but they are both the same response really. Whether you're running away or getting ready to duke it out, your heart and mind is racing miles a minute. Then you realize you have no idea where the predator is, I think because really the predator is you. There is no running away except maybe in death, which is extremely tempting. I'd like to think I chose to fight it out and I won. I think, though, that I won the battle, but am I still at war? Yes. To deny it is to go back to complacency.


Lisa said...

Hi, it's Lisa in Austin from MotherTalkers. I just wanted to say I think of you often, and check in on your blog about once a week. I wish there was something I could do for you, but I did at least want to tell you that you are in my heart and in my thoughts.

Ya Chun said...

I'm glad you are doing better. I think you must be very strong to have done what you did, and to realize and reflect upon it. Going through this is scary, there is so much unknown and so many strong motions. And the world certainly doesn't stop for us.
Continue to heal and take care of yourself.

c. said...

I read this and I get so angry at what this experience, this grief, can do to us. I imagine it must have been very scary for you in the moment, the strange feelings, the loss of control. How are you doing now? And Simone, does she have questions for you? I hope she enjoyed her birthday with you. I'm happy to hear that you didn't have to miss it.

I'm sorry this happened, Anarchist Mom. It's not much, but I'm sorry all the same.

Steph said...

Hey T. Just wanted you to know I think of you all the time. You and Myles are always just a thought away.
Steph (MissingIsla)