Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sorry I've been gone

I can't say no news is good news. However, I have stopped drinking and have never had a more clear objective view of my life. It's terrifying and liberating.
Tonight, I was invited to go to a dinner for an organization that does work to improve maternal fetal health. The focus of the dinner was prematurity. Now, I had my daughter at 35 weeks, and I went into preterm labor with my son at 28 weeks, and proceeded to be on bed rest until I lost him for no reason at 37 weeks at Thanksgiving. He had always been wonderful, I'd always, always say, "I never worry about Myles, he's a fighter," because he kicked me soooo much. I thought I had made it when I lost him. All those weeks worrying, sacrificing, putting up with mom, mil rotating to come help and stay with us. I thought it was the worst thing in the world, bed rest, the fear of him coming early and being in the NICU.
So I had to listen to a panel of parents whose children were sick and in the NICU, pretty freaking terrifying. But I could not, just could not bear to hear there stories, as amazing as I know they would've been to me 18 months ago. They were talking about family support, and care packages, and all this stuff they gave them. They only made cursory mention of bereavement, none of the parents on the panel had lost an infant, and there book had one page on infant loss. But on that one page, they talked about helping plan funeral services. And the packages they got were beautiful. (Which makes me all the more made when I see that they would turn away bags from anyone for anything!!! ).

Nobody would say the word death. They'd just allude to it, and then they would cry about how close their children came. All I could think about was Myles. It was torture. And I couldn't help but being angry with them. I've said to myself many times, if Myles had come early, he'd likely be here. But then I look at the statistics for a 28 weeker, and they have a worst chance of neonatal death (5%) than anyone has risk of stillbirth (1%). So I can't say the statistics were in our favor if he had come on Sept. 23rd.
So I actually envied them. And while I was doing it, I was thinking how awful I was. I almost had to get up and leave. Then, they had speakers on about infant loss. I'm thankful for the work they do. But why wasn't anyone talking about stillbirth?! They were more afraid to utter it, than the word death. Sigh. Why is fetal death so taboo?!

I've been gone for awhile. It's good to be back. This fall has been hard, Myles seems to always be on my mind lately. I was walking in Walgreens, and I looked up, and I saw Halloween stuff!!! And my mind transported me instantly back, and for a millisecond I felt like it was a year ago. How can minutes seem like hours, but the time has gone by in a blink of an eye? I've lost almost a whole year now.
One thing I can remember with such utter happiness, is that my mom was down before Halloween and we decided to paint a pumpkin on my big pregnant belly. And it fills me with such sadness that he is not here with us to go trick or treating. But I'm so thankful that I thought of doing that then (I was on bed rest already, but with hope, as I'd made it through October). I'm so grateful I have those memories of his first halloween, when he was my little pumpkin.MISSing Myles and all our precious little ones this Fall


Ya Chun said...

Glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself.
Sound like that was a "feel good panel", like, 'look how good our nicu is', because I can't believe they couldn't find any parents whose child didn't 'graduate' from the NICU.

It is amazing how stillbirth is overlooked. I read so many books during our pregnancy. Not a one mentioned kick counts and the short pages on pregnancy loss barely mentioned stillbirth. I hate all those books.

Anonymous said...

That sounds torturous to have endured Trish. I think I would have been bitterly angry at their flippancy (or I would have perceived it as this) towards infant death and stillbirth. The parents who broke down and cried at how close their kids came to death would have been too much for me. I would have exploded on the inside. :(
I'm glad you're back. I've been stalking your blog. ;)

Karin said...

I agree with ya chun, a feel good panel. We do good work.

Not too long ago, a series aired on the television here in Australia - Saving Babies. The title already told you what they were going to focus on - the ones who lived. Imogen and Soren had lived their lives in the exact NICU in which the series was shot. I could see the photo that I donated of Kieron reading to Imogen in the background of one of the interviews. Basically, I think it was about getting some donations to roll in, and dead or dying infants don't seem to stimulate the same kind of pocket digging.

The pumpkin belly. ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))

c. said...

I've thought about you a lot lately. I'm glad you posted. I'm glad you're doing okay. Relatively.