Monday, April 27, 2009

Time doesn't heal this

I'm having a rough day today. I don't know why. It's 17 months to the day since I buried my son, and here I am again, crying alone in the shower, in front of my computer, smoking in the garage, tears running down my face everywhere I go.

It just feels like each day brings added weight, not relief. That I'm losing Myles each and every day because as time moves forward, I move further away from him and my life as I knew it. I'm a shell of a my former self, bitter and sad.

Mother's day is coming up and I think Simone and I are just going to make some cards together. Me for my mom, her for me and maybe for Myles too if she wants. I wish I could go to the zoo to see the butterfly plaque my family got last November in honor of Myles, but Simone and I will go see it together soon if not on Monther's day. Simone never tires of remembering Myles, she'll love to see his name there with all the children and butterflies. Everything is so bittersweet. She wants to take the plaster casts of Myles' two hands and one foot to school. I don't know if I can do it, and I can't let her take them alone, but for her I'll try.

Sadly, Mother's day doesn't remind me of what it should; this time two years ago when I had my two children with me. I didn't know that was my only true Mother's day, the only one I'd ever have. Instead, the upcoming Mother's day reminds me of last year, and crying in the parking lot at Perkins as my first family betrayal scorched my already tattered heart. I didn't know I could hurt more than I had. What little I knew almost 6 months out.

The trauma of the first year weighs heavily on me the second. Time moves forward and everyone else forgets. Nobody lives with this daily as I do, nobody. Each year, you remember the last. Last year at this time I was so utterly lost, more than I could fathom. This year I'm here, but my life is on it's head. I feel so defeated. I didn't know I could feel more defeated than after I lost Myles, but the death of my marriage is it's own loss. 11 years together, 8 years of marriage on May 26th; this will be our first anniversary apart. Somehow, it seems like we're failing both our children.

Anyway, there is no point to this, just thinking, typing, rambling, crying, blowing my nose. I'm just worried about next month, and the old pain it will dredge up and the new losses I will have to deal with. I used to love May, once upon a time. I will somehow have to find the courage and strength within me to sustain me through the month ahead :(


Ya Chun said...

Yes, this year, I am remembering last year (what I can of it). And I remember two years ago, when we decided to ttc.

And I think most everyone else has left it alone, not necessarily forgotten, but not going to talk about it. I wonder,w hen I run into someone that I haven't seen since I quit my job, do they size me up, to see how I am doing? Or is there no special thoughts going on for them?

you might feel like you are rambling, but it all made perfect sense to me. Sorry about the separation, you don't write about it much, but I hope it works out the way you want it to.

caitsmom said...

Sending some courage and strength. It is so hard to know that with each day of "progress" we are moving farther from our children. Most, other than bereaved parents, can't understand that. Peace.

Anonymous said...

Trish, big hugs and big sighs for you today. Some days just seem so heavy, full of sadness and the weight of the rest of your life sitting on your shoulders. I know, as Mother's Day looms nearer, I dread the awkwardness of others not knowing what to say, me not knowing how to feel, all of it... I'm just sorry. :( Both our babies should be here, and it just sucks. You're not alone my friend. Big, big hugs.