Monday, November 19, 2012
It's been years. YEARS. Since I've posted here. I like to break up sentences with periods more. I blame facebook. Important thoughts need a period, not a comma. A real freaking pause. So screw grammar. This is how I write. I've been reading though my blog. I do almost every year at this time. But this year I wanted to say something that I can't say on facebook. Mostly because facebook is filled with superficial drather, and because I deactivated it over a week ago and so have no social, creative outlet. Upon reading through those first two years without my son, I am thankful. Not for stupid shit. Not like most of what I read on facebook. I'm thankful I'm sane. I'm thankful I've been able to not just be alive, but to live. I've learned how to fall in love again, have hope again and be excited for the future again. I've done all of that in the last three years. Not without paying for it. That's for sure. I knew what I had was special this time. I know it, and I knew it, and I am grateful for it. I'm grateful for my daughter, for my life, for my annoying dogs, for my old house, for the uncertainty of my future job prospects. I'm thankful I've felt any of it. Because I could hardly feel anything but pain and grief those first few years. And I FELT this. Really felt all of it. And for that, I am thankful. I don't get mad at thankfulness because I don't thing people deserve it. They do. We all deserve a bit of happiness in this life. Recognizing it is good. I get angry because I think that for the majority of people, they don't really get how precious their THANKFULNESS is. I lost that completely once. Not just once, for years. They all just take it for granted and list it off like they didn't have to fight for it. Thankfulness is a feeling in itself that they should be grateful for. Everyone should be thankful for thankfulness first, and for those who have not suffered the loss of a child, thankful that they have their loved ones to share it with on facebook at all. I could be thankful all day to everybody, and the one person I want to thank, my son, is not here. THAT I am NOT thankful for. I don't make apologies. So, be thankful you aren't me if it is too hard for you all to imagine. For those of you going through the worst of it. I'm so sorry, and I hope you are able to someday find your way back into the light of life and to even contemplate thankfulness. That is a huge battle, and I wish you all the strength, love and light I can muster. If you are like me, someone who lost their child at Thanksgiving, then you have an uphill battle. But if I can do it, you can do it. I never thought I could, not once, but I did. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and peace to you.