Sunday, March 23, 2008

four months

So much has been going on. I finally got my ambition to work and do research back, that's about the only good news.

The bad news, I haven't had AF for 17 weeks (since I lost Myles) and I had an HSG, and I go in for the results on Tuesday. Needless to say, I've never questioned my fertility, I don't need this on top of everything else. We all have our own burdens I guess.
I had a particularly rough day today. And it's crazy because Easter ain't my thing. But my daughter of course gets into it. I guess what surprises me is that I find myself thinking of Myles. Now I had imagined Myles at Christmas, perhaps Thanksgiving (two holidays forever changed), definitely summer time at the pools, but Easter? And yet here I am, wondering, thinking about what I would be doing for his first Easter. It was this tie last year we began ttc, it took one time (thought I was fertile Myrtle), and it's sad to think back on how different this year is from the last. I told someone my age the other day, and when I heard myself say 27, I couldn't believe it. I don't feel 27, that's too young. I feel like I'm 50.

To top it all off, my husband said (drifting off to sleep no less) that a couple of people have mentioned I treat DD differently now. Of course, I'm like 'who'? I knew my mom, but then he wavered on the second person, and now I'm just pissed. I guess it confirms my worst fears. That I am not that great of a parent, that people are watching me under a microscope. And quite frankly, I don't care what they think because I'm not the same person when it's me and her (which it is, day in and day out) than I am when we go home to see the grandparents, or when grandparents come to visit. Quite honestly, I'm relieved to be able to get away and let the grandparents spend their time with her, and me just zone out on my computer, or reading the newspaper.
There is probably a little truth to their 'concerns', and as opposed to their opinions bothering me, it is that hint of truth bothering me. I don't think I'm the same to anybody as I used to be. I'm not me. And I'm not always interested in entertaining a four year old 70 hours a week who plays, 'baby' at least three times a day. I need a break, and 12 hours a day in preschool is not enough me time to get done the work I'm expected to do.

Ugh. I was just talking to my therapist and she told me I need to take care of me. I'm doing that, but is it at the expense of my daughter??? I don't know. That's a fine line to walk. I don't think I 'm a bad parent, but maybe not as good as before. I'm shorter with her maybe when I have a lot of anxiety, and the last couple of days when my husband gets home, I just try to escape for awhile.
Sigh, so Easter's got me down, my fertility is in question, and Myles has been gone four months and it seems like Novemeber was yesterday but in the meantime I've aged 20 years.

1 comment:

c. said...

It's hard to be the same mothers we were before our babies died. I think we'll get there again. In time. That anybody should say anything about it, so soon after Myles died, is just not considerate or sensitive or even nice. It's hard for me to accept that my friends and family expect that same person back. Yet, I know that I am changed in ways I can't even describe. The assumption that I will not be changed by this, that I will eventually get over it and just be me again, is offensive to me sometimes. I wish they could get this.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I'm waiting for a smooth patch myself. Four months is hard enough to take without the added worries you have.