Thursday, March 27, 2008

Oh, to see his smile

My best friend was in town for a meeting (we live 50 miles apart) and she kind of sprung it on me that I would be watching her baby for two hours. I forgot she had mentioned coming (I forget everything these days) and we've been missing each others' phone calls ever since. Anyway, I sucked it in, shut the brain off (Yes, I can turn my brain off, but only for short times), and I did it. And, with my brained turned off, I loved it. Simone was all over him, as usual she wanted us to pretend she was the 'big sister'. I took care of him, and shushed him to sleep, and held him on my chest while he slept for an hour. How sweet and warm and soft. And I love that little boy. But it pains me to see him so full of life, growing so big, only two months younger than my boy would be. Oh what a pair they would've been! My DH would not hold him, and I was frustrated with him. But we all grieve differently, so I understood.

I didn't finally succumb to it all until I opened up my tupperware she had returned to find the pictures she had mentioned she had left for me. There he was, this beautifult little baby boy. They got the best picture, tried as I might, I couldn't get him to smile for me in the short time I had him today. But, oh my, did that photographer get a good one. And as soon as I saw that smile, I immediately felt joy for her, but also such an utter sense of loss.
To see my boy smile? To imagine what that might be like? It leaves me breathless and so so defeated. If I think her son is beautiful (and I do, I'm so happy for her, she's wanted a baby for so long), imagine what that would've been like with Myles? I know how your heart overflows with joy when you see your own childs very first smile. It wasn't that long ago that I saw Simone's, it seems like a century. But, I did not appreciate hers, as much as my heart soared 4 years ago, not as I should've. I didn't know how miraculous it is to take your baby home and to watch them grow. I didn't know then what I know now.
So I put these beautiful pictures down and have just now sat down on the couch to sob in the night, by myself, as usual. DH and I haven't been getting along so well, and I sometimes feel so alone. Will every missed milestone hurt this much?!


c. said...

This is heartbreaking, anarachist mom. I am so sorry that you won't see his first smile. In my mind, C@llum will always have that stillbirth frown; sad is the only emotion I will ever know him to have. I hate that I will never see a beaming smile or a toothless grin or anything else I took for granted with my living children. I hurt for you and Myles so much. I. Am. So. Sorry.

I hope you and dh are able to get things on track again. Have you considered a couples bereavement group or therapy? I know they offer something like this in my city. Do you know if something similar is offered in your area? Thinking of you...

anarchist mom said...

Myles had a little pout, my sister said it first, everytime she thinks of him, she puts out her bottom lip. So so sad.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Anarchist Mom, it's Anu from MotherTalkers...

I'm so very sorry that you need to experience all of this hurt. It's just not fair.

Losing a child is *not* easy on a relationship. People grieve in such different ways and the person that you want to lean on for support is rather 'broken', too. Look far and wide for support for both yourself and for your relationship -- you deserve it.

I don't know if it helps but the photos that I saw of Myles were very beautiful and he looked very relaxed. You are clearly a very loving mother and I know without a doubt that he experienced that love while he was inside of you.

Sending lots of support in your direction.

niobe said...

It's so true -- I can't help thinking sometimes of the babies that aren't there. And the idea that someone else's baby is alive and mine are not sometimes hurts and reminds me of all I've lost.

In the months after my twins' deaths, I felt so terribly alone. This post brings it back so vividly.