Angry

My SIL sent me this poem last week, I really really liked it.

If.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling


There are some verses in this poem that I've been thinking a lot about:

Or [if you can] watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;


And I guess somedays I've thought, you know, I can do that. I can do that. I can stand back up from this, and brush myself off, and start again. And days like today, I think that there is no fucking way I can do that. That I can't just start all over again and do what I did. Because what I did these last 9 months was really fucking hard. And how do you give your life to something like that, how do you risk everything when you know what I know now; that there are no guarantees. Because I did it the first time on the assumption that it would pay off. I did it under the assumption that I was sacrificing FOR something, not for nothing.

So I'm angry, and I don't have anybody to be angry with except myself. And it's stupid, and I know it's stupid, but what do you do with this kind of anger when there is absolutely nobody to be angry with? All I have is me. And I just feel so stupid, and so naive, and so angry with myself for never once considering that I could lose it all. That I could put all my eggs in one basket like that, and never consider once that it might be for nothing. Because if I had really appreciated that reality, then I would've done so many things differently. With Simone, and with school, and with everything. If I had ever once even considered that possibility, I wouldn't be so lost right now.