Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Just sad

It seems that most of my days are filled with attempts at trying to forget I should have a tiny baby to take care of. I just feel like something very essential to me is missing. What I wouldn't give to be pregnant right now, to know that I have another one on the way to fill the void in my life. You prepare so much for a new baby. Because I'm already a mom, I knew what it was it going to take. It was so tangible. And I just wanted to wrap myself in that experience this time. The first time around, I just wanted to get through it, like a war or something. This time I knew what I was getting and I was so looking forward to every little piece of it. Yes, even lugging a carseat around, and the poops and the laundry and the vaccinations. Everything. Mostly, I just couldn't wait to breastfeed again, and cosleep again, and carry that little baby on my chest by my heart.

It hurts so bad to remember each day what is missing. Should I forget? When I was in the tub with my daughter awaiting to give birth to Myles, she began singing, "the sun will come out, tomorrow." It was so sweet. Now I can't stop thinking of Daddy Warbucks singing,

And someday I'll forget,
how much s/he meant to me,
and how s/he was almost my baby, maybe.

Part of me does want to forget, this instant, that I was ever pregnant. I feel so guilty about it. That baby meant everything to me, everything. I just wish I could look down now, from behind my laptop and there he would be in a bouncy, sleeping soundly, with his sweet little eyes closed. I feel like he is still here sometimes. But it hurts too bad to think these types of thoughts all day. If I forget, than I can get on with my life, and maybe have another pregnancy, and just forget that I should have a baby right now. A beautiful baby boy.

No comments: