Thursday, December 13, 2007

The inevitable

This entire time, one of my greatest fears has been running into someone who doesn't know about Myles. Well, it finally just happened. But you know what? It wasn't that bad.

It was one of my former students. She had me this summer for stats, I was so big so fast with this pregnancy, I'm sure the whole class thought I could go any day, and that was August! And the whole time I'm talking to her, for her sake, I'm hoping she doesn't ask. I'm thinking, please don't ask, please don't ask, please don't ask. And, finally, she asked. And I told her. And she felt terrible. But you know what? I didn't start bawling. And I kept the conversation light, and although I know she felt more than awkward about it, I'm happy I made it through it.

So, it is what it is, and it's something I'm glad I don't have to dread anymore. Because if I did it this time, then I can do it next time. And as time goes on, I'll have to do it less and less.

And to be honest, that's part of the reason I came back to school today. I've had a couple people ask me why I'm here today. And I thought about it, and I wasn't really sure. There is nothing here I need to do today that I can't do from home. But the more I sit here and think about it, the more I realized this is what I needed to do. I needed to come back to work and school. Just to come back and to be seen and to get my mail and to say 'hi' to people who haven't seen me and to get over this hump.

Because even at the hospital, one of my first worries was becoming some sort of harbinger of death to everyone around me. Especially my pregnant friends, I instantly felt so bad for them. Isn't that stupid, I lose a baby and I worry about what everyone is going to think or how they will feel? I don't know what's wrong with me. I've often wondered if I'm some sort of sociopath, LOL. I guess I just don't like bumming people out. I want to make people happy, not sad. I want to give my pregnant friends hope and strength, not fear. And having to tell people about Myles, its just not something I've wanted to do in person with anyone.

So, now I know I can do it, I can talk about Myles, I can tell people what happened. And getting over this hump gives me a little peace anyway. That maybe the days to come won't be as bad as I imagined, that I will be able to pick up the pieces with a little bit of normalcy. That I'm still the same person, and that my life is still my life, and the world hasn't come to an end. Because I guess somedays it has really felt that way. It's felt like the whole world has changed. And I've been a little scared about finding my niche in that world again. But maybe I can do it.

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