I've done a lot of hand wringing about some of my past pregnancy blogs. I use my private blog many times as a bitchfest (as if I'm telling you something you don't know), and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I've wished I could take some of it back. Okay, that's putting mildly. I wish I could go back and punch myself in the head, LMAO. I've got this great visual of it I wish I you could all see, similar to that Andy Samberg video where he punches people in the head while they're eating that I bulletined out a few weeks ago.
I think back on some of my blogs and I feel like I was so ungrateful and so entitled. It was a hard pregnancy, I know that, but honestly I'd do a thousand more weeks of bedrest for a different outcome. I would do the whole pregnancy over again a thousand times. What wouldn't I do? I know this is a stupid game to play with myself, I'm pretty hard on myself when it comes to self reflection, but there is some truth to my critiques.
The blog that's bothered me the most was when I was angry about my mom suggesting I 'enjoy my pregnancy'. To me, pregnancy has always been a means to an end; no intrinsic value whatsoever. I thought the same with DD's pregnancy, and hers was a relatively easy pregnancy in comparison. For some reason I always knew birth was intrinsically valuable, a reason why I was so disappointed with DD's birth and why I put so much emphasis on the type of birth I wanted for Myles. And even now, the birth of Myles was one of the positive things I can look to, despite the circumstances. I like to joke that I'm no longer a proponent of natural child birth having done it now, but it's a joke. I wouldn't change a thing. There were some wonderful moments, when my daughter and niece hopped in the jacuzzi with me as I labored and began singing to me, 'the sun will come out tomorrow'. But I digress. I guess what I'm saying is I don't think I'll think the same when/if I do this whole pregnancy thing again. There were many special moments in my pregnancy, ones I wish I would've documented better now.
And in general, maybe there should be a little intrinsic value in everything we do. Okay, maybe not everything (getting the oil changed in your car probably has no value, he he), but as many seemingly mundane things as we can possibly manage. One of my major flaws is I'm entirely too goal oriented. Look at me. I've planned the last 2 years for a baby (seriously, we planned the date of conception 9 months in advance, LOL, I'm dead serious. really.). I scheduled my whole life around this baby, I made myself utterly miserable because of said scheduling (comps, teaching, etc.). And. Here. I. Am. We've sacrificed so much, S, me, B. I've been a total bitch sometimes because of the stress. Think of all the time I wasted, all the hours I wished away.
Okay, so I know I'm no genius here. I experience the death of a loved one and now I value life more. But fuck it, that's exactly how I feel. I've been on some message boards for people who have lost a child (of all ages), and I also realize that there is a lot of tragedy in this world and I'm not immune. But I've got a lot of things in my life to appreciate, Simone and B most of all. So some of the past days have been hard. S asked me when I was going to stop crying, LOL, most of the times she ignores me, but she is getting a little bored with the whole mourning thing. I told her probably never, but that I'll cry less and less as time goes on. Of course, even as I say this to her she's yawning. But this morning, as I layed in bed going over everything in my head again for the thousandth time, I think I turned a small corner. I don't think I'm going to stop crying, but I think I'm going to be a little more positive in the in between times. Because even now, I can't be wasting these days. I've wasted too much time in the past six months just waiting for the shit to blow over. And it's stupid, because that 'shit' is my life, and I better fucking make the most of it.