Tuesday, December 30, 2008

2008 a year without hope?

Before I describe what saying goodbye to 2008 is like, I have to reflect on what I thought about saying goodbye to 2007. So here is my entry, a little over a month after I lost my son:

2007 was the year of Hope. I had more hopes and dreams than ever
before in my life. I'm no stranger to disappointed hopes. I've seen
them crumble many times. But I've never questioned my ability to hope
again afterwards (okay, maybe after the 2004 elections, something about 4 more
years of Bush). But when Myles died, I've never seen my hopes
and dreams so completely anihilated. The feeling of it was like watching
those hopes, not just dashed to pieces; but beaten to a pulp, then ground into
the dirt, then shit on. And much of my recent existential
quandaries now revolve around even trying to justify the will to
hope. Emotionally, I don't have it in me anymore. Logically,
I can't see a reason why I ever dared to hope in the first place given my

Although I may appear a cynic, its always been my biggest con.
I'm a poser. Deep down, I've always been a hopeful person, even to
the point of naivete. If anyone asks, I say that I'm sure the worst will
happen, but in my mind I always hold out hope for the best.
I can think to so many moments in my life where I've been so filled with hope
and excitement, it was like my heart could burst. And last year
was filled to the brim with that heart-bursting hope. I just forced
myself to believe that everything would work out, all would fall into
place, and for so much of the year it really appeared it would.

So, saying goodbye to 2007 is quite a sad affair for me. I'm not just
saying goodbye to my son again (which I went and did today, and I will continue
to do for as long as it takes to set in). It's like I'm saying goodbye to
that piece of me that dared to hope. It's like I'm saying goodbye to hope
itself. I've already mourned so much, but now I mourn even for the New
Year. I've always loved the New Year. So much more
than xmas. Why? No, its not the drugs and parties you
fucking smart alec. It was that sense of hope! Hope that
maybe, just maybe, the next year would be better than the last. And this
year, I don't fucking have it. I feel like there is nothing for me in

1 comment:

Julia said...

I am sorry, again...

I am myself not much of a hoper, and much less now. I am more for stubborn/grim determination-- put my head down and keep walking. Lie down when needed, then get up and keep walking.

May 2009 be a much better year for you. A much much better year.