Did I ask to be born? No. So here I am, and sadly I've placed another human being in this predicament and a second (though perhaps he had a choice in the matter, perhaps he made the smart one). I'm not going to feel bad about being indifferent to whether I live or die. Myles died. Life went on. The sun rose and set, fucksgiving and fuckmas came and went. Other children were brought kicking and screaming into this world by no choice of their own. To quote Camus: We get in the habit of living before we ever get in the habit of thinking. And thinking leads us to the absurd and that is: What is called a reason for living is also called an excellent reason for dying.
CAMUS:
We live on the future, "tomorrow," "later on," "when you have made your way," "you will understand when you are old enough." Such irrelevancies are wonderful enough, for, after all, it's a matter of dying.
[ . . . ]
Man admits that the stands at a certain point on on a curve that that he acknowledges having to travel to its end. He belongs to time, and by the horror that seizes him, he recognizes his worst enemy. Tomorrow, he was longing for tomorrow, whereas everything in him ought to reject it. The revolt of the flesh is absurd. (The myth of sisyphus).
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14 comments:
Trish, ah, only you can find deep in yourself what keeps you going. I am so afraid to say a wrong thing, esp since they have taken your computer away.
Yes, we don't choose to be born, but we don't have to actively chose to die either. Your suicide will cause pain for so many people, especially your daughter. My uncle killed himself when I was 5. My cousins have been lost without him.
I know you can know all this with logic. That is why you are getting help. Just keep moving, drag yourself through this, each day, for we only truly live in the present. Honor Myles by continuing to live.
I disagree I think it is completely selfish. You even told me yourself.... Or was that a lie.
“If there is sin against life, it consists… in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.”
- Albert Camus
"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."
- Albert Camus
Trish, I need you to know that I'm here, reading, listening. You are not a failure. You are hurting, and I feel your heartache in every word you write. I am so very sorry you have to know this pain and hopelessness.
You have more pain than you can cope with right now and so, I hope that you can be helped where you are. I hope that they can help give you the resources you need to fight through this, especially given your recent diagnosis.
I'm not here to blow sunshine up your ass BUT you are absolutely loved, by friends and family who would be lost without you. And I don't even know if it's the right thing to say, but don't leave Simone to carry the burden of your pain. She loves you, Trish. Her heart is filled with love for you. Live for her, if not you.
I am a attempted suicide survivor... when I was teenager... In February of theis year, my first (and only) son was stillborn and to be perfectly honest, the thought of suicide has returned frequently... BUT my husband's father killed himself... my husband has spent his life trying to be exactly like his father, trying to fill his shoes. It's a huge role to try to fill, one that is impossible. His sister has become a grief counselor... Thier father's suicide absolutely and completely shaped the adults they became-- there is so much pain and hurt they carry with them, I beg you not to give your daughter that pain.
I wish you are able to find some sort of peace...
Please don't kill yourself.
There are a lot of us who have been through a trauma and then told that there's something wrong with us. We have been locked up, medicated, treated as children. We've planned our deaths, and taken steps to see it through.
And we're still here. It's a specific trauma and shame that those who haven't experienced can't understand. But those who do need you. To quote my internet friend Rose, we need the wounded.
A thousand times more importantly, your daughter needs you.
Please don't kill yourself.
Wishing you solace and strength.
Thank you superlagirl
There are times- moments during the course of the human experience- where life becomes more painful than hopeful.
And living seems to feed the pain.
I can only say that I have experienced that sense of wanting to end the pain. Wanting to leave the purgatory in which I lived; that liminal, zombie-ish space between life and death, where even breathing hurt at times. I wanted off the fence.
At some crucial point, an impasse, I chose life, at the time what seemed a vastly more painful choice. I intuitively held to the belief that it was in the abyss - in the darkness where cowards dare not make their trek- where I would find myself. My true self. This degree of pain, for me and many (cite Frankl- please read Man's Search for Meaning) others, is what can be transformative, given time. Retrospectively, I made the right choice. Grief has not departed now, but has, rather, become an interesting life partner. Like an intimate partner with whom I sometimes wrestle; sometimes contend; sometimes avoid; sometimes seek; sometimes loathe and sometimes love.
You're an wildly intelligent woman and a social scientist so I need not say anything else but that you are not alone in this world, and that many others, myself included, care about you. Please call on me, Trish. You have my numbers. I am here.
In sisterhood--
J
It is selfish. You know that; you have a daughter. You know there will be wreckage in your wake.
Whether being selfish is a valid path, even when you have a child, given the amount of pain you're in, is still a legitimate question. Yes, we must sacrifice for our children. But if it is too great a sacrifice, what can be done? At what point does the prisoner cave in to the torture, just to make it end?
You have already figured out that Myles represented more than a singular baby. He was to have been a more perfect union for you and your husband; he was your happier life. I hope you can work in the direction of filling your world in his absence. He would not have been able to perfect things; that's for you to do.
I wish you so much lightness along the way. The darkness and heaviness seem too much to bear.
Bringing a child into this world in the first place is a selfish act.
I understand and I'm sorry. That's all I can really say, because understanding is all I can offer.
I know you wont do anything regrettable.
Oh Trish. I'm so sorry to hear that you have been swallowed up by this horrible grief. I truly know your pain. I have not attempted suicide. I am on many meds to keep me from "going there"...Paxil (anxiety/depression), and Depakote and Abilify (bipolar). I have not been diagnosed with bipolar, but am on meds that help me. Yay...one more lable I get to where. Before I went on Abilify, I thought I would end up in the hospital on ECT. Luckily, the Abilify worked. Know that I love you. You are one of my favorite moms on MISS. And Myles is one of my favorite angel babies. Puke, really, who wants that title...either of them. I wish things were so different and that we never met. I wish our lives were just chipper as ever and we were oblivious to all of the pain that we now feel. Know that I am thinking ofyou tons and hoping that you can feel better soon.
Love, Jen
Hmm, I have heard of feminist writings talking about how it is a woman's choice. Whether or not it's selfish, it is of course devastating to all around the person. I have an aunt who tried to decades ago and I'm sure she's glad she didn't succeed. But I'm sure there are others who feel differently. I have known the feeling of wanting to sleep for a very long time though I have always wanted to wake up. I have known the feeling of not wanting to live though I've never been serious about it. It's pretty cruel that we must live for decades or die forever isn't it? There is no going back and forth. There is no being in limbo and then going back to life. Sometimes I wonder if making as many life changes as possible would help people who want to leave life behind. New residence, new job, new people. It's still living but a different life in many ways, maybe even a different country. I don't know if a lot of newness would help at all. But it sounds like more of the same sure isn't either.
Thank you, all.
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