Saturday, December 27, 2008

Fuckmas

So I've been operating on the assumption that everyone just wanted me to be THERE for Christmas. Nothing more nothing less. I wasn't told I had to be sociable, play games, take pictures, etc., etc. And I didn't expect that I would have to. At every christmas I've been to (My mom's and my Dad's, they're long time divorced) I've done what I could. Sometimes that means I disappear; at my Mom's I came and layed down for a couple hours after the presents were unwrapped. I didn't eat with them. At my dad's I did similar (didn't want to sit and eat and chat with everybody) and there I hid out downstairs where the kids were playing hide and seek.

Was I morose? Yes. Unsociable? Yes. Did I talk or smile? here and there. I thanked them for their gifts, in fact, I was thanking my step mom before I left, and everybody else (my dad, sis, bro, sil, and 5 kids) all went outside. As I thank her, she just looks at me and says, "You need to get some help." I say 'what?' surprised but unshaken. Then she starts yelling at me, "YOU NEED TO GET SOME HELP, YOU DIDN'T TALK TO ANYBODY HERE." I disagreed, I most certainly did chat with my dad while he fried the turkey, my bro and sis, just most of it was one on one, private talks. And no, I never did talk to her because I generally don't like her.

I told her she was being rude, and she had no right to say that to me. She yelled at me that she cared about me and loved me (who YELLS such things?). I just walked away and muttered to her that she couldn't love me, she doesn't even KNOW me. At this point I'm opening the front door and she is following me, yelling(?!) If it had been any other day, I might have argued with her, but instead, i'm just as zombified by the whole weird confrontation as I've been all day. I open the front door, and she shouts out after me:

"You don't even deserve to have your daughter."

All of my REAL family looks over confused and surprised, who was just yelling?! I said very matter of factly as I got in my car that that was just step mom telling me I don't deserve my daughter. After which I promptly left with my sis and the kids.

All I can say is I'm not telling my mom because she would tear her a new one, and it would create rifts where there needn't be. I'm not worried about my dad, we had nice discussions about my divorce, my depression, whether or not to file for bankruptcy. We've actually talked a lot. So I'm just hoping she feels like an idiot. I'm not going to grace her 'opinion' with a response, she's not worth it to me. I just can't believe someone could be soooo cruel.

FYI, by 'help' she means religion. Her and my Dad think my problem is I 'haven't heard the good news!' (barf). What they don't understand is that everytime they bring it up, they might as well be telling me that if I were religious, none of this would've happened. This is my punishment. And if losing Myles wasn't a punishment, my anguish and difficulties in handling this is due to my lack of appropriate religiopioid. Ugh, my dad, in his gentle kind way, kept saying the word 'forget'. I have to forget. I have to forget? IIII have to forget?!

I will never forget!!!

6 comments:

Julia said...

Holy crap! Really? She gets to judge who deserves what? How positively Christ-like of her. Bleh! And she gets to yell? Yeah, NICE ONE. I particularly like how what she is saying relates to your divorce. Cause of course if it wasn't for someone else's divorce she wouldn't even be married. BWAHAHAHA.

And for your dad... Sigh... This has to hurt like a mofo. But do you think it would get through to him if you asked him, in the same gentle way that he talks to you which of his kids he is willing to forget, and then similarly gently drive home the point that it is absolutely the same thing, and that the fact that you didn't get to know Myles only makes it worse.

Damn... I am sorry this happened to you.

c. said...

Holy shit, T. I. can't. believe. what. she. said. What an asshole. She's so completely deluded, you're right when you say she doesn't deserve a response.

As for forgetting, I think that's just the view of that generation to some extent. The belief that forgetting will make things easier. And to be honest, I'd like to forget. Not my son, but I'd like to forget the heartache I feel and the anger and the bitterness...but it's not that easy. It's impossible, actually.

I've begun giving relatives an education in stillbirth by gifting them An Exact Replica. Did you ever manage to finish the book? I think my MIL learned a lot when I gave it to her, and although she cannot understand me exactly, she has a better idea that her idea of comfort and support did not offer me those things at all.

Anyway. I'm sorry you had to listen to your step-mom go off on you. I hope someone has the balls to lay into her. I really do.

anarchist mom said...

I hope to finish exact replica this week, maybe I'll post. It's been hard to get through, because I'm constantly comparing my story to hers, and at the same time, it's been something I've cherished, more than I cherish most works of fiction. I'm usually a speed reader, but not with this book.

Thank you both, it's actually erupted even more cuz my brother told my mother, and then he decided to defend SM because 'what she was really saying' is I could lose my daughter. Yeah right. How does, 'you don't deserve your daughter' translate into I'm worried you might lose your daughter. It doesn't, unless she's not so 'worried' about me losing her and she thinks I should. All of which is preposterous, neither of them have any idea how I parent day to day, and my dh would never do that because we are sharing her 50/50. He knows how devastated she would be without her mommy. Truly, Simone and I are peas in a pod. Likewise I would never do that to him, despite he's currently in rehab and has a criminal record. Gah, it ruined my mothers christmas because my bro and mom got into it, and my mom is like me. Fuck Christmas, she can barely do it she misses Myles so much. Sometimes I think she's my only true support.

charmedgirl said...

oh my god...how very strange. what kind of person says those kids of things?? only an asshole. what a shame it is that you are dealing with so much and then also have to deal with the likes of her. i know what you mean, though...you don't want to grace her with a response but it's so infuriating...it would feel so good to sling one back...but i'll tell yah, if i've realized anything since paige died, it's that, with people like her, you rarely get any satisfaction confronting those pompous fucking assholes. well, at least it's over for now.

superlagirl said...

Good grief. That's just awful. I'm so sorry.

Cara said...

Wow! I'm late to the WTF-fest -but seriously- WTF? I just will never understand people who speak before thinking - THEN - don't have the guts to feel ashamed about what they say and defend themselves.