Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Mania

What the fuck? The fuckers stole my computer after they did a room search. I'm not gonna lie or be ashamed, I tried really hard to kill myself and I was really bummed I didn't succeed (it's like, 'I can't even do THIS right!'). I had my suicide note all written, I just couldn't create anything sharp enough to cut deep enough, so really it was pretty pathetic. I just have about 20 scratches on my left arm. So they made me do 1:1 and that blew cuz I'm a loner and having somebody follow you around all day is really fucking annoying, I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

Now, I don't feel that way today, so please I won't let any of you respond with all the well meaning bullshit about how great I am. Cuz lots of great people kill themselves and in my view, it's their fucking perogative. I. Am. Mine. Sorry. My life.

Blah, blah, blah, I should be telling you how much better I feel and all that jazz, but I feel about the same except fucksgiving is over, a holiday i vow to never celebrate again. So I move to NP this weekend sometime, don't have a phone until then but if you myspace, I'll keep my computer on, and if you want to IM me, I'm at anarchist.mom@live.com. I'll add you and we can hang out before I semi-officially move.

Peace. And I want to do away with Fuckmas this year too, FYI. "Now go make me a turkey pot pie, bitch" - bender.

2 comments:

Julia said...

Lots of great people commit suicide. But a lot of great people who commit suicide leave behind a lot of great people who miss them and carry the questions for the rest of their lives. Good or bad isn't relevant. You are loved, that's what is relevant. You are important, at least to one person, and likely to more. Please don't give up.

To be honest, I am glad you are where there are people who can try to help you. I hope you can find a way to work with them. It's a tough diagnosis you have been given. I am sorry about that. But I so hope you find a way to live with it.

miislasola said...

Trish..
I know "you'll be missed" isn't much incentive to stick around, when you've already decided you don't want to, but there has to be a better way than suicide. There are treatments, medications and therapies. Don't assume they won't work, in some capacity, for you. You are at rock bottom now, and you will at some point feel better. Give every option a chance. You are such a valuable person. So many people love you, and Simone especially needs you. Offing yourself will mess her up for life, guaranteed. You owe it to her to try. I'm so very sad this is happening to you, and I hope there is a breakthrough soon, somehow. Even though we've only met once, I care a great deal about you and what happens to you and your lovely daughter. Please hold on, and have just a little hope.