Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Dead end.

One thing that has bothered me about all of this is how normal 'normal' is. As if I were never pregnant, never on bed rest, never had this dream of a child. And there is something deeply disturbing to me about just picking up where I left off. Because, honestly, where I left off, I was miserable. Myles was my savior. I had so many hopes wrapped up in him. And in so many ways I didn't know how he would change my life, what new dynamic he would bring to the mix, but I knew it would be radical and I knew it would be positive. And I fucking needed that change so much. And now it's like none of it ever happened.

You would think that my life would be easier now, pragmatically speaking. Babies are so much work, and four year olds are so much work, and dissertations are so much work, and the job hunt is so much work. But without Myles, doing all of those other things seems SO much harder, not easier. He was my inspiration. Knowing he would be here gave me so much hope, and so much energy, and so much excitement. Now I just feel hopeless. I feel like I need to reevaluate everything in my life, question everything, go back to the beginning. Because the only thing I do know, in my gut, is that I don't want anything to be the same as it was. I just don't want to pick it all back up again and stay on the same course. It's a disconcerting feeling, knowing you need to go somewhere but not even knowing where, let alone how to get there.

All I know is nothing is as it should be but everything is still the same.

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