Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Dear Myles

I don't believe in heaven, but if I could say something to my son, this is what I would say. So, for what it's worth, I thought I would share.

Dear Myles,
I often feel so sad for you. That your time on this earth was so brief, you had so little chance to change this world for the better. I've had my whole life and can't boast it yet, but I had such high hopes for you. If you had lived, I have no doubt you would've rocked this world. It pains me to think you and I don't have anymore than what we had, all those weeks and months waiting and preparing, but for nothing. What we had is what we got, and then it was over. The world didn't know you as I wanted, and it would've been a better place with you in it. My world was a better place with you in it, that's how I know.

I guess I wish you could know that what happened was not your fault. You didn't mean to break my heart. It pains me to think that your legacy is one of broken hearts. That the only thing to come of all of your short life is grief and mourning and disappointed hopes. I can't stand the thought of it. So much sadness and loss; that's not you.

I wish you could know that you didn't cause my broken heart. LOSING YOU is what shattered my heart. Though I never had you in my arms; I, we, everyone, had this precious dream of you. I had your future, our future, before us. And I didn't know what it entailed, but it filled my heart with such joy to ponder how you would be. What you might do in this world. Today those same thoughts fill my heart with such sorrow. To have them taken away; from you, from me, from Dad. All without reason. But I don't want your impact on my world to be negative. I don't want the outcome of your birth to spoil those dreams. Because they were wonderful dreams.

I already knew you, you know? You were a 'mover and a shaker' to quote myself at about 18 weeks. I never worried about you, not my little Myles. You always gave us such good signs. Big and strong, you were such a constant comfort to me. I always had such faith in you, that you were a fighter. Even if you were born early; you had this vivacious spirit. You danced, my boy, plain and simple. You made so many people smile. I think of the countless people who felt you kick, everyone I know and love. B and Simone of course, but all the family knew your presence. You let your presence be known. You were not someone to be trifled with, despite the fact you were in my tummy. You were a little piece of me, and Dad; another Simone. What a personality!

Myles, you had a positive impact on this world. Even in that short time. The dream of you was wonderful. We thrived on that dream. And just because it's lost didn't mean it wasn't worthwhile when we embraced it so fully; when you were alive in my belly and in my dreams. We loved it then. We loved you then. We love you now. You were part of us then, and I know we were a part of you. We were a family, if only for a few short months. And without you we will never be a whole family again. Not so long as I live. But I will be damned if your legacy is your absence. We will honor your life. I will work hard to make sure those tiny footprints you left in my heart turn into a large footprint in this world. And that will be my lifes' work. Everything I will do, I will do for you.

Just know, sweet boy, that although my heart is broken, it is not your fault. You were an amazing little man, even though we never saw you alive, we knew your spirit. We knew your energy. You made us laugh and smile and dream. And for that I thank you. Because you were worth it. You were worth every sacrifice. I didn't know it then, I thought I was miserable. But I was just tired. And even at my most troubled moments, it was always the thought of you that would lift my spirits. I remember (after weeks of bed rest and other ailments) describing that dream once to my best friend. I just described how excited I was to hold you in my arms and have you home. How decadent. How luxurious. My own soft, new, tiny, beautiful, sweet baby. All mine. And it was so exciting it took my breath away. And that in itself is worth something. How you could make my problems melt away; just the thought of you.

You are my dream child, Myles. You will always be my dream child. Your dream kept my hope alive in what I thought were the darkest days. And that is powerful, and you will always have that power over me. I will try to use it to honor you. To help moms and baby's, and also moms with empty arms like mine; to try to do something that makes this world a better place for them and their families. And just because I cry, doesn't mean you weren't everything I'd hoped and dreamed. You were everything I ever wanted, and all in a short 37 weeks. I'm so proud of you. You were amazing, my son!

I will always love you, every second, every day!!!!!

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