Update: I found this quote this morning, it about sums it up. "Losing a parent is like losing the past, losing a child is like losing the future."
My whole world for the last month can be described by one word, ambivalence. I don't know what I want. I feel 20 emotions a day. Anyone who knows me knows there are very few positions in which I'm a 'fence rider'. I've always got my opinions firmly planted on one side or the other. I have even switched sides of the fence, but rarely do I teeter. On the issue of the new year, I'm stuck.
2007 is a conundrum. I think I could easily say, 'Fuck 2007, good riddance'. Part of me feels that way. You might expect I'd welcome a new year, a frest start, maybe something to get me back on my feet. But for some reason, it makes me so sad to say goodbye. Becuase although it was the year my son died, it was also the year my son was born. It was a year defined by my tenacity. My tenacity to finish up my course work, finish my comps, complete the survey for my dissertation. It was a year where I was forced (kicking and screaming) into complete pregnant submission. but I persevered, I even 'successfully' accomplished the goal of my bed rest. My son was 'born' term. When you put it all together, I was miserable, but I did so much. I had so many hopes come through even and I felt like I had so much to look forward to, and so much to be proud of.
2007 was the year of Hope. I had more hopes and dreams than ever before in my life. I'm no stranger to disappointed hopes. I've seen them crumble many times. But I've never questioned my ability to hope again afterwards (okay, maybe after the 2004 elections, something about 4 more years of Bush). But when Myles died, I've never seen my hopes and dreams so completely annhilated. The feeling of it was like watching those hopes, not just dashed to pieces; but beaten to a pulp, then ground into the dirt, then shit on. And much of my recent existential quandaries now revolve around even trying to justify the will to hope. Emotionally, I don't have it in anymore. Logically, I can't see a reason why I ever dared to hope in the first place given my beliefs.
Although I may appear a cynic, its always been my biggest con. I'm a poser. Deep down, I've always been a hopeful person, even to the point of naivete. If anyone asks, I say that I'm sure the worst will happen, but in my mind I always hold out hope for the best. I can think to so many moments in my life where I've been so filled with hope and excitement, it was like my heart could burst. And last year was filled to the brim with that heart-bursting hope. I just forced myself to believe that everything would work out, all would fall into place, and for so much of the year it really appeared it would.
So, saying goodbye to 2007 is quite a sad affair for me. I'm not just saying goodbye to my son again (which I went and did today, and I will continue to do for as long as it takes to set in). It's like I'm saying goodbye to that piece of me that dared to hope. It's like I'm saying goodbye to hope itself. I've already mourned so much, but now I mourn even for the New Year. I've always loved the New Year. So much more than xmas. Why? No, its not the drugs and parties you fucking smart alecs. It was that sense of hope! Hope that maybe, just maybe, the next year will be better than the last. And this year, I don't fucking have it. I feel like there is nothing for me in 2008.
This time last year, I dreamed of a child, sadly this year, that dream is still the same. But its defined more by fear and anxiety than excitement and hope. So anyway. Goodbye 2007. I wish you didn't have to go. But there are no do-overs or we'd all sign up, eh? It reminds me of a poem (yes another tear jerker, I'm so sorry I'm downer Debbie now, LOL):
If I could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true.
I would wish with all my heart for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back;
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears;
I know because I've cried.
You left behind my broken heart, and happy memories too,
but I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.