Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Bad day, insomnia

I just have these days, stressful days. It seems like to get through work I have to put my emotions to the side. But when I get home from these days, I pay double for it. I had meetings all day and a terrible night tonight. The first time I felt like screaming. I've repressed it. Can you believe that? For three months. I've been in the abyss, but this is one of the first times that I've just moaned and groaned and cried on DH's shoulder. He said, "I can't believe it took you so long." He just doesn't know how much I grieve when I'm finally alone.

It's been three months, and I just have never put my son's clothes in storage (for many reasons). I was going to give them to my BF, but I couldn't bring myself to go through them then. Tonight, I thought I'd just get it over with, listen to my ipod as a distraction, but I couldn't resist looking at them one more time, and it was too much.

This low point began last night, when for the millionth time since losing sweet Myles that I couldn't sleep. I lay in my bed, heart racing, trying, grasping to think of something that will put me at rest, any happy thought to get lost in instead. But all thoughts lead back to one thing. sigh. And none of those things are conducive to sleeping, only anxiety and frustration and hurt. I know I'm not alone, many times I'm on the internet, grasping searching for answers. It's my time with Myles in a way, the only time the house is quiet and I'm really alone.

When I left the house today, I knew it would be a bad day, my DH asked me how I was feeling, and I said, 'does it matter?'. I've still have to do what I have to do. I'm just not ready for my life to speed up again; it's been in slow motion for so long. I don't know that I'm ready to pick it all back up again.
I've said it before. Everything is the same, but nothing is the same. It should be so very different. How can I move forward like this?


c. said...

I kind of wonder how moving forward is even a possibility. I guess it will happen, but I know I wíll not be an active, willing participant. I feel so stuck and, at this point, almost 4 months out, I still don't have the desire to be anywhere but immersed in this grief and despair.

I put some of C@llum's things away just this month. It was so incredibly difficult. I wish this was easier, anarchist mom. I really do.

anarchist mom said...

yeah, I'm not much of an active participant either. One foot in front of the other with some gentle nudges from those who love me and believe in me.