Monday, February 4, 2008

Mourning some dreams

My bf has wanted a baby for so long. She wanted to do it 'right' (whatever that means) and waited until she finished school, then got married, then tried for two years to get pregnant. It was a long wait for her, and I so badly wanted her to get her wish, to finally be a Mommy. She's watched most of her friends have babies, including me when I had my DD back in 2003.

We were so excited to be pregnant together. She was a few weeks behind me, but I remember getting the news and knowing that, despite our already very close 16 year long friendship (beginning in the 6th grade) that this would bring us so much closer to go through pregnancy together.

Both of us have older brothers, so when we found out we were both having boys, well we were both ecstatic. And we dreamed all of those dreams two good friends have. We wanted our sons to play together, and hang out together, and do football and sports and our conversations were filled with such wonder and hope.

When Myles died, she was the only person I called personally. See, we shared every gross pregnancy detail you could with one another. It was always like we were in it together. And it was soooo cool, the ups and downs and worries and complaints, we were just always there for each other. When Myles died I had to call and tell her (while I was in my eerily easy labor) to give her the worst news a pregnant friend can give to another pregnant friend. And she mourned our loss too, and it was a hard conversation to have.

When she had her son, and named him Caleb Myles, exactly two months to the day that I lost my son, I was okay. Honestly, my heart filled with joy for her. I did go to visit her at the hospital, and it was not the nightmare I thought. I think it went okay because her son was not my son, and nothing could diminish my excitement that now she was finally a mommy. It was hard to watch my DD with that little baby as she LOVES babies so much. She told me in the car that she wantd to take that baby home with her, and I felt so sad that she hasn't got that experience. She rode in the wheelchair with me, so my arms weren't empty, but bringing Myles home would've been so wonderful for her.

I was going to go visit my BF this weekend, to see the baby, and just hang out. She lives an hour away, so logistics always come in. But when it came down to it, I totally chickened out. And I know why, but I don't know why. It's not that I envy her and her son. I do, but I don't. Envy has never been my reaction when it comes to other mothers and babes, although it appears that many women who have lost a child feel that way.

No, instead I'm upset because of that dream, and that our comraderie over the last 10 12 months is so altered. Because as we've discussed her new baby woes, I have to think back 4 long years ago to my DD when she was baby, when I should be right there in the thick of those grueling first weeks with her. I'm no longer able to share that journey with her. You know? we should both have our babies and be going through that sleep depravation, and complaints about nursing, and frustrations with sleep patterns and all of it. Up until she had the baby, our journeys had been mutual. Now they've diverted drastically. And for the first time, it has finally hit me that that bond between us was broken. Not when I gave birth, but when she got to taker her son home.

We'll always be friends, and I'm so scared that this will now push us apart, but to not be there with her, going through those things with her. I feel like I left her alone, and I feel like our journey is over. And I'm just so so so sad today to not be sharing these challenges alongside her anymore. And it's suddenly just really got me down in the dumps all over again.


charmedgirl said...

my soulmate friend had her baby exactly 3 months after i had paige. i know exactly what you mean.

people were shocked when i went to the hospital, but it's not jealousy. it's just pure sadness.

i went over a week ago with the kids, and the biggest heartbreak of the whole situation was seeing my son with the baby. he wouldn't leave her side, which surprised me because he's such a little tough guy. it's just so, so sad for me.

the girls still go around with their "baby sisters," dolls wrapped up in blankets with pacifiers rigged in their mouths. they were only 2.5 when this happened, so i'm not sure exactly what they know. but they obviously know something.

if you want to read it, the whole story is listed under "soulmate friend" at charmed life.

i hate that things that should be happy drag us down so cruelly and sometimes unexpectedly...

Coggy said...

Stillbirth certainly manages to pervade every single part of life. I only have one or two friends that I can be around now. Many of my friends have had children and are too much a reminder of what I am missing.
I keep in touch and make sure they're OK but I have certainly distanced myself from them all now.
It hurts far too much.

anarchist mom said...

charmedgirl, I've read it (a week or two ago), and it instantly resonated with me.

My DD is still ALL about babies, there was no break from her obsession even after we lost Myles. She still always has babies in her tummy, and is pregnant, and nurses her babies, and changes their diapers, and gives them baths. So it's literally in my face all the time. I think I've managed to detach myself from it as a defense mechanism. And in general, it has helped me to cope with the seemingly millions of babies all around me.

Sometimes I have to tell her nicely tell her 'no' because it will make me sad (her using her little doll sized maya baby wrap is one thing I can't handle, I so looked forward to carrying Myles in his).

It just hurts so much to know how badly she wants to have a little brother AND a little sister (she wants twins like Dora) and she doesn't understand why Myles died.