Why is it that I'll think I've hit my low (yesterday) only to discover my lows go so much lower than I can ever prepare for. I'm just monotonic right now. My DH keeps talking at me, my DD, it's like they're on mute.
I just feel sad and so so fatigued, like I've got mono. And I was doing so good, so good last week, and now I'm worse than ever. My life feels so overwhelming. There is no refuge. This 'take it a day at a time' shit is not working. Not on days like this.
I feel so alone, alienated from DH. I even question whether I love him anymore. He grates on my nerves and I don't know why. I just have hostility for him. I think it's unfair to him. I feel bad for my daughter. I don't think she has seen us interactive positively in many months. We're like ghosts, interacting with her, ignoring each other.
On days like this I just want to start all over again. Because I don't like where I am. I can't just pick up my life as if nothing happened. But that's what I've been doing. And I chug a long for a few days, and I'll climb out and I'll reach the Nadir and I'll think I've finally got it together and then I begin the slow decline.
It's like I have to make myself pay for my good days. The 'better' the day, the more I'll pay. I loathe myself I loathe my DH, I love my daughter so much. How do I carry on when I hurt so bad? How do I take it one second at a time when each second hurts?
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2 comments:
I feel the same way, that I pay for the good days with a string of bad days. Yet, it seems, I have a whole life of bad days ahead of me. How can I ever be okay with that?
I hope that you and dh can get to a point where things can be positive again. Feeling any positivity toward anything, including a spouse and marriage, seems so unreasonable some days. It's hard not to focus on the negative.
Nothing about this experience is easy. Not the emptiness. Not the alienation. Not the mood swings or the guilt or the loneliness. I guess the only thing we can hope is to get to a place where these feelings don't overwhelm us to the extent that they do now. To get to a point where we get some reprieve from the intensity of this grief and all the other feelings that come with it. I don't know when that will be, I don't even know if it will ever be.
I think you're right about the positivity toward anything. I'm not positive about anything, I'm downer debbie, wha wha. LOL. Oh wait, it's debbie downer.
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